Search Results

Put on the Back Burner … Like Everyone Else When an actor “books out,” it means that he is unavailable for work, or as it’s commonly referred to in the film/TV industry, a “booking.” Reasons to book out range from having an existing booking (the best reason of all!) to vacation schedules, illness, or general unavailability. Generally, actors go to great lengths to avoid booking out, in fear of missing out on a golden opportunity, a well-paying gig, or the one role that could (finally!) provide their breakout moment. Enter Covid 19, the Coronavirus, the pandemic, instigator of the Great Shutdown. Suddenly, EVERYONE is involuntarily booked out as productions, auditions, and castings grind to a halt. Movie release dates are moved out months into the future and the talk is that the industry may not start up again until the fall. Or will it be sometime in 2021? Or perhaps slowly beginning in July 2020? No one knows how long the industry will be in limbo or how long they’ll personally be out of work. Then an interesting thing happens. Innovation springs from crisis as people learn to adapt, and it’s been amazing to see the film/TV industry find ways to connect, create, and craft, thanks to our digital-enabled world. Within a few weeks, virtual platforms sprang up to offer emotional support, actor training, open casting calls, and monologue competitions. And a few projects, notably commercials, are being revised to deliver their same messages, but with social distancing rules in place. Instead of gathering cast and crew together in a small space for long hours, actors are professionally self-taping their dialogue at home and sending the footage to the production folks, who create the final piece from these many components. Some projects are actively searching out actors who’ve been living – and quarantining – together to film scenes that require close proximity. Still other projects are staffing skeleton crews and scheduling actors to report to set in shifts to shoot their lines individually. Sometimes, these unusual circumstances open rare opportunities. Actors have always yearned for a chance to meet and interact with a respected casting director, and now many of these opportunities have opened up in full. Agencies have been hosting Zoom sessions with casting directors who freely talk about their career paths, answer questions about the casting process, and occasionally even “meet” actors one-on-one or in small groups. My agency expanded on this notion by also encouraging talent to share special skills with one another via Zoom workshops. I have been asked twice to provide an introduction to voice over, which I’ve tailored to film/TV actors with a “how to get started” twist. The Resources section in my blog grew out of these presentations and the follow-up questions that I’ve been receiving afterwards. Additionally, acting teachers, coaches, and studios are finding an eager audience who want to keep their skills sharp and their boredom and frustration at bay. Teachers who work out of studios are offering classes and personal coaching directly from their homes via Zoom, Skype, and Facetime, often discounted in consideration of their students’ lack of available funds. It’s a smart way to keep in touch with students and earn a few extra dollars while they themselves are looking to keep afloat financially. The acting schools and studios themselves are discovering that a number of classes can be successfully taught online via Zoom. Students are loving this format so much that this online component may never go completely away. It’s especially useful for those who live far from a studio and wouldn’t be able to easily attend otherwise. This same advantage is appreciated by students with family responsibilities who are thrilled with the flexibility that classes from home provide. The social isolation has been lessened a bit as actors from all over the country are networking with one another via Facebook groups, email blasts, and Instagram. It seems that just about everyone is happy to keep others informed of the large number of free classes, webinars, and fun challenges that have become available, many created and hosted by well-known acting coaches and casting directors. A fair number of actors are creating content themselves, too, and reaching out to others with “tape at home” opportunities, much like the production companies are doing. Professionally self-taping, like the voice actor who records in a home studio, has grown from a “nice to have” capability to practically a necessity, thanks to the quarantine restrictions. And as in the voice over world, some markets are way ahead of the game than others. Self-taped auditions have been used predominantly in the Southeast and other markets for 5-10 years, which gives actors in these regions a practical and technical advantage over those in Los Angeles and New York, who predominantly have been auditioning in person. LA and NY actors are now scrambling to catch up, as the trend for the foreseeable future is the self-taped audition. This mirrors a similar situation in voice over. LA and NY voice actors are accustomed to traveling to recording studios, whereas most voice actors in other markets have been working out of professional-quality home studios for years, and have the equipment and technical skills to be their own audio engineers (to a certain degree). With the quarantine, some of the rules for recording self-taped videos have been relaxed. Before, actors in home studios needed scene partners to be physically present; casting directors frowned upon a remote voice over a cell phone. Now, in the time of Covid 19, actors are reading scenes with each other via video (cell phones and tablets being the most popular) to give the auditioning actor a person – and a real eyeline - to play off of … and casting directors are fine with the adaptation. Everyone understands the limits of social distancing and supports the innovative ways that people are finding ways to practice their craft and ply their trade. But one thing hasn’t changed: don’t even think of recording an audition (unless it’s a monologue) without a scene partner. It’s still not acceptable to pre-record the other character’s lines and tape your audition by yourself, by playing off your own recorded voice. If Covid 19 provides us with anything remotely positive, it’s that these innovative digital work-arounds allow everyone to appreciate that we are all human and that we can laugh at – and tolerate - the little life interruptions that we wouldn’t have had the patience for earlier. Children unexpectedly burst into view, the neighbor’s lawnmower noisily springs to life, even the occasional background toilet flushes … we’re all in this together. And we can all make jokes about whether the presenter on Zoom is wearing only boxers below his collared shirt. (Hey, sometimes he stands up to show us we’re right!) Just remember, though, if you’re going to turn yourself into a talking potato on your next Zoom meeting, be sure to know how to change yourself back. 

Finding Your Place on the Spectrum There are many fine lines that we have to carefully navigate. The fine line between assertiveness and aggression. The fine line between speaking one’s mind and respecting “political correctness.” And now, due to the Coronavirus and our valid concerns on how to best contain and defeat it, the entire world is walking with various degrees the fine line between security and independence. Nations look at the situation through their unique cultural lenses, staking their positions in accordance with their national characters and available medical information. Individuals, too, find their comfort levels by balancing past experience with new information, emotional fears with confidence in authority figures, and their need for security vs. personal independence. Arguably, the notion of security vs. independence can be defined on a political level: government providing a certain level of security (salary, health benefits, safety), as opposed to individualism and self-reliance. Politics is certainly weighing in on how best to manage this pandemic, with face masks (of all things!) emerging as the predominant symbol of this debate. People are sizing one another up rather quickly and jumping to conclusions based on the wearing or absence of the face mask, whether they’re worn while grocery shopping, walking in the neighborhood, or pumping gas. The subject is hard to avoid while living and working in a major city like Atlanta. Recently, my family and I were able to get away for a few days at the beach. It felt as if we had been given a pass to go on leave from military duty, to walk the hallways at school during classroom hours, to do something we normally wouldn’t have been allowed to enjoy. We were so glad to be able to celebrate our son’s college graduation in some small way! Due to Coronavirus, he had lost both his graduation ceremonies and a long-promised special family vacation. We couldn’t wait, not just for the much-needed change of scenery (we love our house, but enough is enough), but to see how far we could stretch our legs along the miles-long sandy beach and just get out of the pandemic mindset. Right away, I was struck by the wide-ranging attitudes on face masks by both locals and visitors. The locals, who’d been previously terrified at the prospect of losing much-needed business during their peak summer months, were delighted and relieved to see so many people flocking to their community. Their local government had lifted its ban on short-term rentals and business operations only a few weeks earlier. Almost all stores and restaurants were open, though with restrictions in place. The locals wore face masks while working at the grocery stores, restaurants, and in some of the shores. They followed the social distancing guidelines: Grocery stores managed the numbers of shoppers in the grocery stores and placed six foot markers in the check-out lines to delineate how far apart people should stand. Most restaurants offered take-out service only, though quite a few had expanded outside seating, and a handful offered limited inside seating. Most shops were open (I saw just one with a sign saying that it was open only by appointment), but they had varying requirements on the allowed number of shoppers in the store at any one time, wearing of masks, and use of hand sanitizer. Most visitors seemed very happy to be going about their days without masks, though I saw a preponderance of people wearing them in the grocery stores, far more than in any other place. Along with the masks was careful avoidance of fellow shoppers, caution in handling packaging, and methodical progression through the grocery aisles. It looked like a scene from any grocery store back home in Atlanta. But it was in stark contrast to visitor behavior everywhere else on the island. It was especially striking in one particularly large shopping district bordering a marina. I was amazed to see that the restaurants were filled to their social distancing-allowed capacities and that no one was wearing a mask. Did we enter an alternate universe where the pandemic had never happened? All around, not a mask could be seen - not in the shops, on the boats, or along the waterfront. OK, there was ONE shop that offered hand sanitizer and the older ladies behind the counter wore masks and seemed very nervous, but they tended to discourage shoppers with their worry and so were left alone. Which may have been what they wanted, though not what the shop owners had intended. The beaches were another area almost totally devoid of masks. Not terribly surprising. A few isolated individuals wore them or had them tucked under their chins, but they just looked out of place and a bit odd. People still gave each other plenty of distancing in setting up their beach umbrellas and chairs and in passing one another as they walked along the beach. I heard many visitors telling each other that they preferred deciding for themselves which risks to take, rather than following a litany of government rules designed to provide for their safety. I imagine that the beach visitors were a self-selected lot anyways; those who were more fearful or cautious of spreading/contracting Coronavirus stayed at home during the holiday weekend. The push-pull between groups who follow the government mandates and those who determine their personal risk levels will continue on for some time, but I predict pandemic masks will be a hot Halloween costume item, maybe not this year, but certainly in ones to come. And decades from now, when the kids who haven’t been born yet throw a “20’s theme” party, you can be sure that the masks will come out. For now, they’re the signature emblem of our troubled times.

A Process for Getting It Right the First Time Back in the day, when I donned my “power” business suit for work, I had a long-running assignment that I affectionately referred to as “knocking heads together.” In retrospect, it was pretty good training for my future role as a mom. Officially, though, it was a workshop process called Joint Application Design (JAD), used to collect business requirements early in the development cycle while creating a new information system for a company. At the time, I was one of the first trained JAD moderators (now called facilitators) in the U.S., first for Texas Instruments and later for IBM, and led workshops across the US and in Europe. I loved it. It was a wonderful opportunity to learn about different industries, how they operated, and how they were going about modernizing to become more competitive in their markets. As a moderator, I would spend one or two days touring their facilities, interviewing the executives of the departments who would be using the new system, and setting expectations for the process and end results. I met interesting people at all stages of their careers and in many different fields, and gained an appreciation for all the moving parts involved in developing a product and bringing it to market. JAD is a method of including key end-users in the design and development process of a new enterprise-wide computer system. The idea is to “get the job done right the first time” by involving these future users of the system right from the start, so that the end result addresses their needs and is more satisfactory to the client company. This gives the client autonomy throughout the process, creates buy-in and support of the finished product, and delivers a system that helps them do their jobs as efficiently as possible. JAD has been used for implementing new systems, enhancing existing ones, converting old system, and purchasing new ones. The process includes representatives from every affected department who deeply understand the major job functions within their departments and what is required from other areas of the company so that they can most efficiently do their jobs. For example, when Texas Instruments was designing an enterprise-wide system for the manufacturing of their silicon chips, knowledgeable representatives came from TI’s engineering, inventory, customer service, operations, financial departments, and of course, information systems, who would be implementing the results from the JAD workshop. The IT representative provided technical advice and guidance, so that the JAD team would develop logical models and specifications to build the prototype of the end result. I won’t go into the full methodology, but suffice it to say that the JAD workshop required a group of busy departmental experts to dedicate themselves to several days of intense discussion and negotiation with one another. And sometimes personalities were at odds with one another. This is where the “knocking heads together” reference comes in, as not everyone was 100% cooperative and focused on the end result. It was my job as the workshop facilitator to keep the process flowing, to moderate the factions and keep the peace, so that we could deliver a workable prototype design that all participants could agree on. Mostly that was achieved by reminding everyone that we all had a common purpose. And a deadline. I learned many things from my experience as a workshop facilitator that I’ve brought over into my voice over business. While the element of “knocking heads together” isn’t one of them – let’s file that one under useful parenting skills instead – here’s my list of the main take-aways, which can be applied to any business: A common goal A well-defined budget and time frame Requirements spelled out before any work is begun Clear and consistent communications Documented work flow Agreed upon result A common goal. The clients and I both know what we want: high quality voiceover audio that will help sell their product, promote their message, instruct their employees, entertain their customers, help their communities, or whatever else the clients are trying to do. A well-defined budget and time frame. Before a voice over job is accepted, the client and I have agreed on a rate and a deadline for my work (if it’s not recorded during a live, client-directed session). No surprises, no disappointments, although I often will submit the finished audio files well before the client needs them. Requirements that are spelled out succinctly before any work is begun. Before I turn on my microphone to record or connect for a directed session, I make sure that I understand exactly what my clients need. If I’m not certain, I ask in advance, so as not to waste their time delivering what I think they want instead of what they are expecting. That includes the type of read (is it friendly and conversational or more authoritative?), number of alternate reads, length of recording, labeling naming convention, file and delivery specs, and so on, including any contract requirements, usage, invoicing and payment, or the signing of any non-disclosure agreements. There may be only two or three of us, rather than a whole room of department heads battling for what they want, but the principle remains the same: understand what the others require from me and know what I need in turn to get the job done for them. Clear and consistent communications. To ensure that client requirements are met, you cannot be afraid to ask for clarification, whether that’s for guidance on pronunciation, understanding their terms for delivering voice over files, or anything else related to the job. Very few clients balk at answering reasonable questions that help talent deliver what they were hired to provide. Documented work flow. If I’m recording live during a client-directed session, I will keep track of each take in two ways: I’ll note on a physical paper the number and description of each take and I’ll include markers within the voice over recording to delineate each take. If I’m delivering finished audio files, I’ll keep both the finished (and processed, if that’s what the client wants) .mp3 file and the working, unprocessed .wav file in my computer’s client folder, should the client request changes or corrections later on. Agreed upon result. Before submitting any work that I have recorded at home, I always check the recordings to be certain that they are clean, clear, free of mistakes, and to the client’s specs. I like to follow up with the client afterwards, just to confirm that they have received what they need and that they’re satisfied with the work. There’s no cost to the client for changes due to my mistakes (mispronunciation, for example), or for any little tweaks that they need to make after hearing the recordings. While on the surface, voice actor seems a far cry from JAD moderator, there are quite a few things the two careers hold in common. Professionalism from start to finish. Organization and teamwork. Communications. Client-focused results. Top notch customer service. Both are businesses that seek to serve individual and corporate clients by helping them achieve their goals. And I consider myself most fortunate to have thoroughly enjoyed both. Though I’m much happier now that I no longer need to wear a business suit every day to work.

Voice Over Techniques to Enhance On-Camera Performance Beginning voiceover students are taught to “lift the copy off the page.” Likewise, beginning stage/TV/film actors work to “bring the script to life.” The idea is pretty much the same for both VO and on-camera: to create believable characters who seem to the audience to be experiencing events as they unfold, moment by moment. I am both a voice and TV/film actor and have been consistently taking classes in each for about the same amount of time. While outwardly the work may seem quite different – on-camera classes focus on script analysis and performance in front of the camera, and voice over classes work on tone and character behind the microphone – each develops the student to become a compelling story teller. They teach the techniques unique to their medium (visual vs. auditory), but share a common acting foundation. And in my experience, that provides a wonderful bit of cross-training! Many voice over instructors, in fact, advise their students to study both acting and improvisation. Acting, because it teaches the process of creating and developing a character and placing that character in a specific place, time, and circumstance. The Meisner technique , in particular, trains the actor to be “in the moment” and let the words spoken by the other actors affect him as if he were hearing them for the very first time. Improvisation strengthens the imagination and the ability to play with the material, helping the actor to discover something new each time a scene is rehearsed or performed, so that it always seems fresh and alive to the audience. I’ve studied improv at several studios, including Second City in Chicago, and heartily agree that it’s invaluable! Not to mention a great deal of fun, too. Many voice talents would agree that acting and improvisation training go a long way in helping the voice actor create interesting, unique characters to enliven many types of copy. The reverse – teaching voice over techniques to on-camera actors - doesn’t seem to happen quite so much. Yes, some acting academies offer voice instruction, but I think they’re more the exception. Aside from teaching vocal warmups and encouraging acting students to learn how to do accents, not many techniques taught to VO students seem to cross over into acting classes. That’s too bad, because I’ve found that my voice work greatly informs my on-camera performances. It especially helps me out when find myself in a rut or when I’m trying to break free from old habits that are holding me back. Most often, it helps me see things from a different perspective, so that I can bring more to my on-camera work. Here are a few tips that I’ve brought over from the VO world that I’ve found to be most helpful in my work in film and television: When less is more . Film and TV actors know to keep their reactions small (unless perhaps they’re in a broad comedy), since the camera provides a tight focus on facial expressions. I’ve had to work at this, since I’m naturally very expressive and a little bit of Laura can go a long way on-camera. I’ve found that keeping the VO conversational read in mind has helped me to “dial it down.” Just as in voice over, the conversational read used on-camera is relaxed, often quieter than other tones, and associated with an approachable, believable persona on screen. It’s often a friendly voice, which most audiences appreciate and therefore are more likely to absorb the message or story being told. When I decide on the nuances or need to quickly settle into a character . Acting classes teach students to imagine that the scripted scene is just a fragment of the character’s life. The job of the actor to create a complete character with back story, hopes and dreams, and personality quirks, just like any real human being. This character exists and is busy living a life before entering the scripted scene, and (unless the character dies in that scene) continues on afterwards. Script analysis teaches actors to think about those moments before (and after) the scene itself and to imagine what the character may be thinking, feeling, and doing as he/she enters the scene. I’ve found that voice over helps to overlay the character with additional qualities: what’s the sound of her voice? What’s her mood, as relayed vocally? Are there certain regionalisms or quirks that add to her character? What is she saying just prior to beginning the script? Additionally, adding a realistic lead-in phrase helps me launch into the character. This is a technique that VO coaches suggest: start off with an improvised phrase that leads into the script, one that makes sense to the character and helps make the scripted copy sound natural and real, like the continuation of a thought. When recording, I would delete this improvised intro before submitting the audition or final audio file; it’s just a tool to help me deliver the lines as naturally as possible. With an on-camera script, I’d give myself a similar realistic lead-in conversation or action before the director calls “action!” to shift into the character’s mindset and physicality. Acting teachers call this a “moment before.” Voice over training, in my experience, provides a solid technique to help move this script analysis tool into practice. When I’m asked to provide different takes on a scene or for an audition . On-camera actors are taught to make definitive choices: what their characters want to achieve in each scene or in the overall story, what they want from the other characters and how they go about getting what they want. Often for an audition or during a shoot, the actor will be asked to provide different takes, or choices, on the scene. For example, in a scene with one other character, the actor may choose to do one take as manipulative and another one as helpful. Same lines, different motivation or attitude. I’ve found my VO work useful in being able to apply different types of reads (normally applied to commercial copy) as my choices. In an acting class recently where I was asked to give three different reads in rapid succession without prior preparation, I pulled out my three favorite VO tones: friendly conversational, business-minded authoritative, and the smartass sarcastic attitude. The result: three totally different takes on the scene. Other options include different voice pitches and tempos to present different personalities, like bold and direct or shy and hesitant. The VO technique of giving a line the ABC treatment (saying the line three different ways in rapid succession) is also great practice for making varied interesting choices on camera. When the other actors aren’t giving much to the scene . On film and TV, the audience wants to see a dynamic relationship taking place between two or more characters. It can be playfulness. Or intimacy. Or friction. Or downright conflict. As long as it’s SOMETHING. Otherwise, it’s just plain boring and the audience will lose interest and move on. So the actors must really connect and work off each other, ideally giving each other what they need to give their most to the scene, and in doing so, receive that energy back in kind. Acting is the dynamic transfer of energy between characters and it’s always moving and transforming the characters as the story plays out. Voice over work, in comparison, is almost always done in isolation. One voice actor alone in a booth, whether that’s in a professional recording studio or in a converted walk-in closet at home. Without a scene partner, a set, hair and makeup team, costumes, or props. Everything takes place in the imagination and, at the time of the recording, the actor’s voice creates the story’s entire world. A tall order, and yet the ability to use the imagination to this extent gives the versatile actor so much more to work with, especially when delivering a monologue on camera, in scenes with inexperienced actors, or when working with lazy scene partners who aren’t trying to connect and provide little to work off from. Creating a believable character who “brings the script to life” and convincingly “lifts the copy off the page” takes thought, preparation, and a toolkit of ideas to trot out and play with to see what fits. Voice over provides a useful array of techniques that translate well to the on-camera world. Who knows? It can be the “secret sauce” that helps the actor nail the audition or book a most memorable character.

Toasting a Maskless Tomorrow Who WAS that masked man? No disrespect, Zorro, but you’re not alone. These days, it could be anyone. And it usually is. Except for the youngest kids - with few exceptions, they don’t wear masks. (Most of them have no clue who Zorro is, either.) Wearing masks has become a sign of consideration and respect for others … or over-the-top fear-mongering, depending upon whom you ask. There are plain surgical masks, handmade colorful and patterned masks, and designer masks made from high-end clothing lines. I haven’t yet seen masks patterned like they those of comic superheroes’, but I’m sure they’re out there somewhere. Likewise for masks emblazoned with popular sayings, famous quotes, or personal opinion, much like you’d see on a t-shirt. Perhaps enterprising mask-makers just haven’t gone to quite that much trouble, hoping to see an end to this pandemic and thus the market for masks. So what then, when the pandemic finally wanes, businesses fully re-open, “normal” everyday routines are resurrected, and we can literally show our faces again? When the last state lifts its final restrictions, I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s a national celebration to commemorate our victory over this biological enemy. And what better way than to torch its symbol? The mask is stifling, especially in the summer heat and humidity, and I can’t imagine anyone missing having to wear it. All told, statistically at least half of us absolutely despise wearing them. I can just envision mask-burning parties, much like the early feminists of the late 1960s held their bra-burning protests. When the day of the Great Unmasking arrives, I wonder, will desserts be temporarily renamed in its honor? Mask Flambé. Mask à la Mode. Mask-arpone, anyone? For one day, will schools refer to arithmetic as Mask-amatics, much like March 14 is dubbed Pi Day? (For those out of the loop, pi is a mathematical constant with practically an infinite series of numbers abbreviated to 3.14.) And will there be Un-masquerade parties to mark the event? I have to think that Halloween will have a unique spin this year, too, assuming that we’re well out of lockdown by then. I don’t know about you, but I’d find the traditional ghost, goblin, witch, monster, and vampire yelling “Trick or Treat!” so much more reassuring than seeing kids dressed up as the coronavirus, its victims, or everyday people wearing masks. Well, I assume the ones just wearing the masks will be the teenagers who are really too old to be out trick-or-treating. Yup, the same ones who’ve always walked door to door without a costume, carrying pillow cases to collect candy. Some things never change (sigh). Yes, 2020 will definitely go down as an “interesting” year. And it’s only half over. Considering what we’ve all been going through, a mask bonfire may be just the thing to ring in a new year, come January 1, 2021. Though the darn things may come in handy if we end up with some bitter cold weather next winter.

Avoiding Troublemakers and Difficult People “Do business with men of good character .” Such was the common advice traditionally handed down the generations from father to son, from before the days of our first president: “Associate yourself with men of good quality, if you esteem your own reputation; for ‘tis better to be alone than in bad company.” – George Washington Nowadays, the often-quoted maxim is that people do business with people they know, like, and trust. As a “rule” of business, the concept is well understood, especially in sales circles, and it essentially carries the same meaning as its predecessor. A reputation for being trustworthy and as someone with whom others would like to transact business is built from within one’s own good character. Honesty, integrity, and fairness are just three qualities that we and our customers look for in each other, and these relationships are built over time. “You can’t buy a good reputation; you must earn it.” – Harvey Mackay, businessman and author All wonderful stuff, but what about people that we must do business with who are NOT of impeccable character? We’ve all run into them, at one time or another. People who are in it for themselves, often for money and sometimes for credit or fame. People with major control issues, stemming from their own insecurities, greed, or an inherent inability to work with others in a partnership or as a team player. People with ingrained bad character, who are naturally “gifted” with arrogance and airs of superiority, nasty and bad-tempered, devious, hostile, genuinely disagreeable, dishonest, or just plain cruel. In entertainment, we recognize these types fairly quickly, because they’re often caricatures of what we find in real life. Think of Ebenezer Scrooge in “A Christmas Carol,” Mr. Potter from “It’s a Wonderful Life,” or Mr. Burns of “The Simpsons.” In real life, we typically don’t spot these negative or destructive individuals so easily, unless their bad reputations precede them. And that they are believed. Oftentimes, these individuals can be quite pleasant until a tipping point in their psychological makeup is reached. Or until they see an opportunity to improve their personal prospects at the expense of others. There’s the co-worker who feels threatened by more capable or talented team members and works to undermine them. The business partner who suddenly ousts minority shareholders from their start-up, just before a lucrative acquisition is announced. The prospect who enjoys making a hopeful sales team jump through virtual hoops with no intentions of buying. And the cliché – but true! – instances of the friendly boss who puts unwelcome pressure on young female employees. I’m sure that you can come up with a few examples from your own experiences. So how do we avoid them? We don’t want to assume the worst when we first meet someone. I’ve found that the old tried-and-true advice to get to know someone before “opening up” to be very helpful. I’m from the Midwest, where people may come across as reserved or “put-offish” when you first meet them, but are discovered to be sincere, friendly folks after you get to know each other. Trust and relationships take time to develop; they can’t be rushed, or you may find that they were false from the start. “A man is known by the company he keeps.” - Aesop Yes, a person’s reputation can precede them. Stay clear of those who are known to be negative in their attitudes, words, or actions, as well as those with questionable ethics. If you must work with such people, be pleasant but aware of your interactions, share only what information you must to get your job done, and be polite in dealing with them. Don’t engage in gossip or join in their negative speculations about projects, business, or for heaven’s sake, religion, money, or politics. And sometimes you need to terminate the business relationship, walk away from the deal, or even seek other employment. In a follow-up article, I talk about handling difficult people . But know that all human relationships, from personal through institutional, often suffer when dealing with individuals of bad character. When it’s a boss, expect deteriorating employee morale, poor work quality, and high employee turnover. When it’s within a buyer/customer relationship, expect unrealistic demands or timetables, poor product quality, degraded customer service, dishonest business practices, and loss of revenue. When it’s your spouse, expect unhappiness, stress, abuse, separation, and/or divorce. A business relationship, especially a partnership, is very much like a marriage: there has to be mutual trust and respect. It’s not enough for all the boxes to be checked in everything but integral decency. It’s very difficult, if not impossible, to have a mutually satisfying relationship when one party is acting from a place of bad character. It dooms personal relationships and can irreparably damage both personal and corporate reputations. One of the best ways to cultivate relationships with people of good, strong character and reputations is to develop those qualities within ourselves. Like does attract like. And people want to do business with those whom they know, like, and trust. It’s true that a business owner’s personal characteristics are imprinted on his or her business. Even the largest corporations elucidate their core values. Mission statements are formulated around those values, and in turn become part of their image and branding to the outside world. Good character and a solid reputation are built around many positive traits. Each individual will have a focus on those that are particularly meaningful to them. Highly organized people may highlight self-discipline, timeliness, reliability, and fairness. Religious individuals and institutions may value humility, honesty, faith, and service above all else. Friendly, gregarious “people persons” may lead with kindness, loyalty, consideration, and helpfulness. All wonderful qualities that serve to develop good character and positive relationships. So, to do business with people of good character: first, be a person of good character yourself. You will soon be recognized as an individual and business owner who is ethical, fair, and honest, someone who treats other people well. Enter business relationships with the assumption that others are, too, but be prepared to terminate a relationship should the opposite prove true. As another Founding Father said: “Be at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let every new year find you a better man.” – Benjamin Franklin

Playtime Isn't Just for Kids I never imagined that one day I’d become a character on a board game. Last fall, that’s exactly what I became: Karen, the wacky home decorator and fictitious employee of a national flooring retailer. The board game was part of a training series for the company’s employees. Different approaches to customer service - some appropriate and others definitely not! – were played by an assortment of characters in a variety of jobs. The training included a series of videos showing these characters’ journeys from customer service novices to accomplished public-facing employees. Well, at least the ones who weren’t fired along the way for incompetence, insubordination, or unwillingness to change entrenched old habits. The board game allowed real-life employees to become one of these characters and figure out the training challenges for themselves. It was a lot of fun, from the scripted interactions to performing for the drone-mounted camera that was flying around the showroom floor, taking it all in. More than anything, it reminded me of why I enjoyed acting to begin with … it wasn’t showtime, it was playtime! Having fun on set and being able to play is half of “the chicken and the egg” puzzle for me. A good actor never knows exactly how his or her character will react to the other people in the scene, despite the scripted lines. So much depends on the organic give and take between the scene’s characters as each tries to get what they want from the others. The life of the scene comes from the “real” moments the characters experience as they interact with one another. So one half of the puzzle is the preparation that we bring to our work: our character’s personalities, likes and dislikes, personal history, physical quirks, etc. The other half comes out while the scene is in play – the genuine reactions and nuances that’s in the spontaneity of the scene. That’s the half that I love to explore while I’m in the middle of the action on set and it brings authenticity to my work. Every character that I play has a bit of my own authentic self. That bit could be philosophical, sassy, tenacious, or any of a large number of personality traits that could be trotted out at any one time. On set, I can spin that bit of my authentic self in any number of directions, depending on my character’s personality and proclivities – many of which I can invent – and just play with the situation at hand. Oftentimes, I’ll be surprised at my reaction, but it’ll be real and believable because it’s an authentic reaction. And that all comes from the willingness to have fun and play, come what may. Many talented actors seem to be born with that inherent knowledge and ability. I think I’ve discovered it as I’ve journeyed through life. As I’ve grown in maturity and years, I’ve found that I worry less about what others think of me, how I look, whether or not I’ll be chosen for this or that gig. I’m more comfortable in my own skin. Hey, what you see is what you get! Either you like me as I am in the here and now, or you don’t. I’ll always work hard and do my best, but truthfully, either I’m the right fit for what you, as the creative director, have in mind or I’m not. It’s the same with voice over. The creatives and the corporate decision-makers (usually) know what they want and they’re all looking for the best option, often whatever best matches the vision or voice in their head for a particular project. So since we don’t know exactly what the decision-makers are looking for, let’s just give them the best version of ourselves. Who knows? It may line up with their vision. It may give them a new and better way to see that character. Or it may just go by the wayside: “nice job, but not what we’re looking for.” That’s how we audition for a given role. We read the character description, imagine the character in the scripted scene and develop intentions, motivations, and tactics to help that character get what he or she wants. We fill in the blanks ourselves, coloring the character with a personal history and perhaps experiences from our own lives. We make that character our own, and then turn it loose in the scene to act and react to every moment. In this particular case of the interior designer, I built upon the specs of a middle-aged decorator who’s tired of running her own business and just wants to be an employee, enjoying helping retail customers choose the best flooring designs for their home remodeling projects. The scenes were a bit funny, so I chose to skew her in a wacky, fun-loving direction, and just had a great time filming the taped audition. Fortunately, the client liked my vision for Karen and I was able to explore this free-wheeling character as she assisted the store’s customers, happy that she was free from the administrative duties that had formerly taken too much of her time away from the creative process she loved. It was a great experience from start to finish. Now if I can only get a peek at that board game…. 

Choosing to Find Humor Where It's Least Expected If laughter is medicine, then maybe a good dose of Monty Python's gloriously silly humor is just what we need in 2020 to lighten things up. So many great movies and TV sketches to choose from, but I think we could all use a little wry humor, as in their song " Always look on the Bright Side of Life ." We're experiencing what can seem like a modern version of the ten plagues. We have a pandemic, civil unrest and societal upheaval, rioting and looting, earthquakes, destructive hurricanes, record high unemployment, psychological fallout from months of quarantine (depression, anxiety, rising spousal and child abuse), bankruptcies, murder hornets, and dangerously unsustainable national debt. Gulp. Lots to worry about and for very good reason. It makes me think of R.E.M.'s " It's the End of the World " - a great song, by the way. Yeah, everything seems to be going wrong; what are you going to do about it? But rather than wallow in our problems, I prefer to work towards the positive and try to see the absurdities in these situations. Yes, by all means, right the wrongs that can be corrected, deal with nature's challenges as best we can, and manage the emotional ups and downs we're all experiencing with clear and rational thinking. Remind ourselves that just as all good things come to an end, so do the bad. We know we'll eventually get through this. Humor helps us through even the most painful, trying times of life. I recently read Let There Be Laughter by Michael Krasny, a wonderfully funny book about great Jewish humor, where it came from, and what it all means. Jewish humor is based on centuries of living through pogroms, prejudice, and attempts at genocide, as well as the immigrant experience, and the fears, anxieties, and even pride that accompanies it. We see it throughout modern entertainment, as so many Jewish comedians and TV writers took this cultural pain and spun it on its head and into their stories of American life. Once a coping mechanism, now a release mechanism. So, while I'm not a comedienne or even particularly funny (I'm not!), I thought I'd take a sideways look at this whole mask business. The mask has become the symbol for the Covid experience. It doesn't matter if you're for or against them. It now represents so many divergent ideologies and arguments about individual freedoms, compliance for the sake of a greater good, personal or financial sacrifices by necessity vs. choice, the state of healthcare today and where it's going, etc. OK, enough with the serious, how about a wry observation or two? Here are a few of mine. The Cosmetic & Skincare Industries Masks are just killing the lipstick industry. I mean, REALLY! No point wearing lipstick, no one can see your lips, and that lovely color you normally love to wear will just stain the inside of your mask anyways. As if retailers aren't suffering enough. Come to think of it, masks aren't doing much for the cosmetic industry as a whole. Even for those who venture out of the house once in a while, the mask covers the lower half of the face, so what's the point of bothering much with makeup? And it's certainly a non-issue for those still hanging out at home in their PJs or sweats or who have nowhere they need to go. A boon to women everywhere who spend a lot of time each day just fixing up before heading out the door. On the other hand, especially for teens who may be going to school all day in masks, it's been a boost to the skincare business, particularly for treating acne. In a sterile environment, such as during a surgical procedure, the mask is supposed to be changed every time it is touched by an unsterile object, such as a finger. During the long school day, kids adjust their masks and touch their faces multiple times, even if it's just to free themselves to eat and drink. Bacteria breeds on these masks and, exacerbated by the lack of fresh air circulating directly onto teens' faces, acne becomes a problem. Dental Care ... or the Lack of It How many people will be less concerned with bad breath or food stuck in their teeth? Those little disposable flossers that we used to find littered everywhere, well, they've become rather scarce. And chances are that teeth aren't being brushed as often as they should. Let's not even talk about bad breath once the mask comes off. A Boon to Women of a Certain Age Wearing a mask is like wearing a face veil. Just not as pretty or - for those of us raised on stories of Scheherazade - having the same sense of mystery and allure. But the mask can do wonders at hiding signs of aging: fine lines, sagging skin, brown spots, and the like. Voila! Play up the eyes and pretend you look ageless, "dahling....." Forget Facial Recognition It does not work. Period. Facial recognition software on your smart phone was designed to identify your unique features even when you wear sunglasses. But an opaque face mask? Sorry. You'll have to manually enter your password or slip your mask below your nose for it to work. Another challenge for Apple. A New Fashion Accessory OK, we women are staying mostly comfy cozy while we nest (and work) from home. Most of us are wearing the same old things; except for the occasional Zoom meeting, there's not much need to dress up. And then it's usually only on our top half. Few opportunities to enjoy trotting a favorite bag, shoes, or special outfit ... assuming we like to dress up. Most trips to the grocery store, pharmacy, and the like are made in very casual clothes. But ... now we are required to wear masks everywhere. Home-based crafters are creating beautiful masks out of all types of fabrics and materials. It may rank as an all-time favorite fashion accessory, but the face mask is something new by which we can express ourselves. Some people are wearing masks to show their individuality, affiliations, and personal beliefs. Just be aware that if you're wearing something with a political statement, you may get punched in the nose by someone who disagrees with you. Well, at least you have a nice handy piece of cloth to wipe up the blood. Another Way to Be of Service Masks give us more opportunities to be of assistance to others. My sister is a hospital social worker and when she and other healthcare first responders were first required to report to work in-person, they were expected to provide their own masks. Masks of any kind were in very short supply at that time, so these healthcare workers, who were already putting in great amounts of overtime, had one more thing to worry about it. It felt great to do my small part to scrounge around and send a nice package of masks to my sister. This isn't directly related to masks, but the pandemic has offered so many ways to be of help to the elderly, those with compromised immune systems or other health issues, or anyone just fearful of venturing into public places. Like others, I've been helping an elderly couple down the street with their grocery shopping, providing a bit of socialization when I stop by to chat a few minutes while unloading their items. We've grown closer, each of us enjoying getting to know the other a lot better, sharing in our respective families' news, and just keeping an eye out for each other. Halloween - It's Gonna Be Frightful Who knows what Halloween will look like this year? Forget about costume parties, but hopefully the kids will still be able to enjoy trick-or-treating. Of course, the teenagers will have a better excuse to ring doorbells looking for candy long after the little ones have gone to bed. This year, they'll actually have a mask on - instant costume: the year 2020 - to accompany their pillowcases. Kids won't have to worry about wearing face masks. They can just don the regular Halloween mask that comes with their costume and voila! they're covered. Literally. And here's a scary Halloween costume idea: run around with no mask. Guaranteed to send people screaming as they run away in fear. Should provide more reaction than wearing a Halloween mask with the face of a Presidential candidate.

Spinning a Positive Narrative on a Depressing Situation I’m an optimist. I don’t recall always being so, but I’ve always liked the adage that “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” It’s not always easy, especially when things seem to be spinning out of control, uncertainty rules, and the bad news piles up. Like current events today. Still, I’m pretty optimistic and I’ve taught my kids to look for the good in even a nasty situation. I’ve heard it said that people become more positive-minded as they age. There must be something to it, and I think it has to do with gaining perspective with the years, learning to weather the tough times, and cultivating an attitude of gratitude. 2020 has given plenty of opportunities to test that theory, and it’s held true, at least for me. So here’s my list of things of silver linings that I’ve discovered during this seemingly never-ending Great Shutdown: 1. During the last few months of the 2019-2020 school year, I didn’t have to spend a good part of the day driving my daughter to/from school and activities. This is a big one, because I figured I might as well have slapped a big yellow sign on the side of my car proclaiming “Mom Taxi.” Also saved gas and wear and tear on my car. 2. I was able to sleep in later on school days (see no. 1). Hallelujah! Now that it’s summer, I can still sleep in a bit, though I’m trying not to turn into the complete night owl I seem to be naturally designed to be. 3. While I’ve been cooking dinner every night (NOT part of the silver lining list), at least I’m not rushing home doing so, pressed for time. (Again, see no. 1.) So my overall mood is better, too. And that’s much better for everyone. What’s the saying? “If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” Aint’ it the truth. 4. I’ve had time to really work on updating the tools of my voice over business: website, client management system, demos, marketing, etc. All of which would have taken much longer to accomplish had this pandemic never been. Of course, many clients have dramatically slowed down their work, too, so there’s been less demand for voice over services, but … oh, well. Still good stuff. 5. Many of my favorite workout instructors have been generously offering their classes on-line. Thank goodness! I’ve always been full of energy and have to exercise every day without going nuts. Maybe when I’m an octogenarian, I’ll slow down. Maybe. In the meantime, I’m loving the fact that I can still get in some great exercise without dealing with traffic to get to my favorite group classes. And I get to sleep in a bit longer! (See no. 2. I love my sleep…) 6. I’ve discovered - and cleaned up - the dirt and dust under my bedroom furniture, where I’ve been getting a good eyeful of it every time I use my exercise mat for said workouts. Probably not the most exciting thing in the world to be doing, but I feel so much better looking at a clean floor, which I can’t really avoid doing when I’m doing those push-ups and sit-ups. 7. Atlanta enjoyed one of the most gorgeous springs I’ve ever experienced here. What a pleasure to be outside! I appreciate watching nature move through the seasons: the unfolding of new leaves and the gorgeous blossoms of camellias, azaleas, and dogwoods, followed by roses and the summer flowers. Of course, now we’re fully in “Hot-lanta” mode, with temps in the 90s and humidity nearly to match. Not so pleasant. And I suspect that we’re all going have the dubious pleasure of still being pretty much at home as we eventually move into the fall. But – and here’s that optimism again – autumn is the most glorious time of year in Atlanta. Can’t wait for the lower, but still warm, temperatures, brilliantly blue skies, and low humidity! Being able to enjoy and appreciate it that much more is definitely a silver lining for me. 8. I’m seeing neighbors I haven’t seen in a long time, or had never met before, while walking around the neighborhood. And everyone’s outside! Well, not as much as in the spring when the weather was just about perfect, but still enough to feel like I’m living in a neighborhood with sights and sounds that remind me of growing up in Cleveland way back when: kids on bikes, families hanging out in their front yards, small children running through sprinklers, and people enjoying long walks together. And I feel like I’m better connecting with my neighbors, especially the elderly couple down the street whom I’ve been helping with their grocery shopping while they self-quarantine. Helping one another certainly makes us feel good, too. 9. Along these lines, I’m also getting a kick at seeing my daughter and her friends rediscover the simple pleasures that I remember growing up. They may be disappointed at not being able to hang around the mall, but they’re having socially-distanced picnics, biking riding in the parks together, going on walks, and visiting each other in their backyards. They’re outside, enjoying each other’s company, and having truly human experiences. Not that shopping isn’t a human experience, especially for teen girls, but they’re even realizing how much fun they can have without needing to spend money. 10. Spend time, not money. Yes! And there’s been much more time to spend with immediate family members, too. We’re actually all getting along pretty well. Yeah. Most of the time. An added benefit has been having my son home from college. Yes, I am so disappointed for him that his last few months of college were abruptly cut off, including his graduation, and all the celebrations we’d planned as a family. But the silver lining is having him at home for longer than I’d ever expected. He’s now working virtually from our house in his new job. Hopefully soon, he’ll be able to move to his new city and establish himself truly as an independent adult, but for now I’m loving having him around. 11. Some of the tributes to our first responders and health care workers have been awe-inspiring. A few months ago, the Blue Angels put on quite an air show and criss-crossed over our neighborhood several times within fifteen minutes as they flew in formation around the city. Such a treat! And what a wonderful way to demonstrate how much we all appreciate the work of doctors, nurses, and other medical staff. 12. A bit tongue in cheek, but it occurs to me that I’m acquiring some amazing memories that I’ll no doubt exaggerate when telling stories about this pandemic one day to my future grandkids. Just like my own grandfather did when he was a boy selling newspapers on the corner. (With every telling, he became younger, the bullies older and more numerous, and the odds against him greater. Whatever the truth was, at least we know he survived to become a grandfather.) As we go forward, I’ll continue to knock on wood and be grateful that we’re all still healthy. I wish the same to you and yours. And let’s hope that this very soon will become a distant memory.

Warm and Healthy Comfort Food It's a cool, rainy day here in Atlanta, the sort of weepy weather that make you yearn for something warm and satisfying. One of my favorite go-to soups, when I'm looking for something pretty easy to make with ingredients I usually have at home, is this Herbed Tomato-Vegetable Soup. The vegetables and seasonings elevate it beyond plain old tomato soup into a delicious pairing with salad and warm bread. It also makes a terrific appetizer course before a main meal. Enjoy! Herbed Tomato-Vegetable Soup Ingredients 1 medium onion, chopped (1/2 cup) 2 tablespoons butter or margarine 4 cups water 1 28-ounce can tomatoes, cut up or 2 1/2 pounds fresh tomatoes, peeled and chopped (4 cups) 2 medium carrots, thinly sliced (1 cup) 2 stalks celery, chopped (1 cup) 1 tablespoon instant vegetable or chicken bouillon granules 1 teaspoon sugar 1 teaspoon dried basil, crushed 1/2 teaspoon salt 1/2 teaspoon dried thyme, crushed 1/4 teaspoon dried savory, crushed 1/8 teaspoon ground mace 1/8 teaspoon pepper (optional: few dashes bottled hot pepper sauce) Directions In a large saucepan, cook the onions in butter or margarine until tender, but not brown. Stir in water, undrained tomatoes, carrots, celery, bouillon granules, sugar, basil, salt, thyme, savory, mace, pepper, and hot pepper sauce. Bring to boiling. Reduce heat; cover and simmer about 40 minutes or until vegetables are tender. Makes 8 servings.

Plenty of Time to Get Cooking and Feed Body and Soul Like so many others, I've had a little too much time at home these past few months, what with a pandemic raging around the world and everyone pretty much quarantined in place. What better time than to sharpen culinary skills and infuse the house with the smells of home cooking? OK, maybe that's not your cup of tea, but I had a field day! I've been a vegetarian cook for most of my life. Not that you would have expected it from my childhood kitchen table, where it was pretty much meat and potatoes most nights. But after four years of college dining featuring some sort of questionable "mystery meat" and the sudden responsibility to fend for myself, I discovered something about myself. I didn't really like meat. Never did. Didn't crave it, didn't miss it. Instead, I found myself wandering through these amazing farmer's markets, admiring incredibly fresh local produce and discovering wonderful, unusual international foods. And I loved it! I began acquiring spices from around the world and cookbooks with easy-to-follow vegetarian recipes from Mediterranean, middle Eastern, Indian, and Asian cuisines, and was soon cranking out the most yummy smelling and tasting dinners. This Armenian vegetable casserole is one of my favorites. It's relatively easy to make: just chop up the veggies and bake for a few hours. The aroma fills the house and smells as good as it tastes. Both meat eaters and vegetarians love it - it's terrific as a main course and works beautifully the next day as a side dish for burgers, fish, or other entree. I make it year-round. Wintertime, I pair it with my herbed tomato-vegetable soup (shared in an earlier post). In summer, it's great with corn-on-the-cob and watermelon. Anytime of the year, it's fantastic when preceded with a glass of wine and followed up with something chocolate! Makes staying at home a bit more pleasant. I hope you enjoy my casserole as much as I do. Armenian Vegetable Casserole Serve in wide soup bowls with a mound of yogurt on top to melt down into the marvelous juices! 1/2 pound green beans 1 medium size (about 1 lb) eggplant, unpeeled, and cut into 1 inch cubes 2 large onions, cut into 1 inch cubes 3 medium size carrots, cut into 3/4 inch thick slanting slices 2 large stalks celery, cut into 1/2 inch thick slices 1 large red or green bell pepper , seeded, cut into 1 inch squares 2 large thin-skinned potatoes, peeled and cut into 1 1/2 inch cubes 1 can (about 1 lb) pear-shaped tomatoes 1/4 cup olive oil or salad oil 1/2 cup catsup About 2 teaspoons salt 1 1/2 teaspoons each sugar and dry basil 1/4 teaspoon pepper 3 small zucchini 1 cup plain yogurt Snap off ends of green beans and cut into 2 inch lengths. Combine in a 5 quart or larger casserole (I use a Dutch oven) with eggplant, onions, carrots, celery, bell pepper, and potatoes. Drain juice from tomatoes into casserole. Chop tomatoes and add to casserole. Chop tomatoes and add to casserole, along with olive oil, catsup, salt, sugar, basil, and pepper. Stir gently. Cover casserole and bake in a 350 degree oven for 1 1/2 hours or until vegetables are almost tender, removing lid and basting vegetables with juices about every 30 minutes. Meanwhile, remove ends of zucchini and cut into 1/2 inch slices. Remove casserole from oven and gently mix in the zucchini. Return to over and bake uncovered for 20 to 30 minutes or until vegetables are tender. Serve hot or at room temperature with a generous spoonful of yogurt on each serving. Makes 8 servings.

Tactics and Tests of Patience “Difficult people are the greatest teachers” – Pema Chödrön, American Tibetan Buddhist Yeah, but that doesn’t mean we go out looking for them. Yet all too often they seem to have a way of finding us. By and large, most people whom you encounter throughout your day are the fairly decent and reasonable sort. If we treat them as we ourselves would like to be treated, we will get along rather well. Most of us just want to be heard, appreciated for our hard work, and shown respect. When there is a conflict, ideally we will listen to one another, learn the other’s perspective, find common ground, and work together towards a mutually beneficial solution. Of course, it doesn’t always work that way. Sometimes people are difficult, if not downright impossible, to work with. So how do we best handle them, especially if in a work situation we have no other choice? There are a number of options, depending on the circumstances. But first, ask ourselves WHY are they difficult? Could it be due to stress or illness? If so, hopefully their situation is temporary and can be resolved with understanding and a little bit of time. With some, however, it could just be the person’s inherent nature to be contrary and uncooperative, in which case what you experience is what you’re always going to get - and it’s probably not going to change any time soon. There are a number of tactics you can use when dealing with a difficult person. First and foremost, start with yourself. Yes, self-discipline can go a long away if the combative individual is looking to start an argument. Stay calm. Your demeanor may de-escalate the situation right then and there. It’s harder to rail against someone who doesn’t engage in a shouting match. Eventually, the other person will run out of steam, feel that they were heard (and by everyone within shouting distance), and had made their point. They may be more receptive to a true conversation after venting. Understand the other person’s intentions . You may not always know what is going on in someone else’s life, but sometimes the clues are there in the way you’ve seen them go about their work or interact with others. Really listen to what they say; most people will appreciate the effort. Behavior is often triggered for a reason, and if we can see a pattern or know some history, we can better understand where they’re coming from. Explain your position. Understanding the reasoning behind your position may help the other person understand where you’re coming from and thereby defuse the situation. This is the inverse of the earlier suggestion to try to understand the other person’s intentions. Focus not on personal qualities but on what can be achieved together. Focus on the goal and a mutually beneficial solution, or at least a resolution that meets the other person halfway. Keep the conversation on the overall objective without devolving into remarks about each other’s behavior. Revisiting unresolved past difficulties and stirring up negative feelings is not going to help you resolve today’s problem. Don’t be defensive, listen to them. This can be most challenging, especially if accusations of bad judgement or other disparaging remarks are lobbed at you throughout your “conversation.” Stay calm, as mentioned earlier, show them that you’re actively listening, and oftentimes you’ll have the opportunity to present your side of the story. But … sometimes none of this works. In that case, here are a few ways of taking more direct action and slaying, no, re-training the dragon. (No need to unnecessarily upset PETA.) Manage Accommodate the person in such a way to assuage their ego, while removing the obstacle they present. It’s giving something to get something. I’ll give two examples. The first occurred while my husband and I were negotiating the purchase of our home from the builder, who saw himself more as a craftsman than a homebuilder/businessman. He was also a very difficult person to deal with, changing minor terms and conditions on us, and butting heads with my husband until I stepped in to sincerely compliment his artistic taste and fine craftsmanship. I think that’s what he truly wanted to hear, because he immediately became easier to work with and we closed the sale. A second example came from early in my corporate career when I was the junior member of a two-person team charged with pioneering a new systems design methodology throughout our company. The senior person saw our teamwork as a rivalry and went out of her way to undermine my credibility and convince management to give her the choice international assignments. I tried talking and working with her on joint projects, but nothing changed. So, I switched tactics and added her name as co-author to an article I was writing for our company’s engineering journal about the methodology and its successes. She was totally taken aback by the gesture; the credit gave her the authority and recognition she was seeking, and she immediately backed down and became easier to work with. And I got the European assignment I was angling for. Avoid Most people just want to be heard, but some are given to subjecting others to endless complaints, gossip, or even diatribes against someone or something that they believe has done them wrong. In this case, I do my best to ignore or avoid them altogether. If you’re in a work or family situation where this is not possible, be cordial, but still distance yourself. Establish boundaries of how and when you must interact with them. If they challenge you or press you for an explanation, tell the offending individual that you don’t engage in gossip, that you prefer to focus on the positives rather than the troubles in life, or that you have to get back to work or some other duty. I’ve found that a little nod or smile in acknowledgement, a brief greeting, and a quick “excuse me” often does the trick. Walk away Some people will just not be ignored. Especially those who are in a power of authority over you. If you can’t simply avoid or manage the, you’ll need to take more direct action if you don’t want to remain in a toxic environment. Sometimes that means leaving a job. A software company I worked for was acquired by a much larger corporation with a less than sterling reputation in the industry. The internal climate soon proved intolerable. The branch manager was a micro-manager to an extreme degree and given to sudden outbursts of temper and irrationality. He could not be reasoned with, corporate executive staff was slow to intervene, and people left in droves. The company lost many valuable employees who saw no other option than to walk away Fight Sometimes you just have to stand your ground, fight an adversary in court or a bully on the playground, and demonstrate your strength and resilience. There are those difficult individuals who respect nothing less and will not back down without a confrontation. If you go this route, prepare for battle: gather the pertinent facts and evidence, line up your allies, prepare your arguments and strategies, and determine how far you can and are willing to go in this fight. It’s also good to develop an exit strategy if things are not going your way. Have a back-up plan and alternative goals if you need to broker an agreement or find a means to escape. Appease/Give In In a confrontation, no one likes to be in the weaker position with little to no available favorable options. Occasionally, concessions have to be made to keep an aggressive power at bay in the hopes of attaining peace or an acceptable resolution. In this case, there is no win-win for both parties; one side is far stronger or more influential than the other and does not need to give anything to the weaker party to conclude the matter. When the difficult person is in a position of power and you have little hope of prevailing, but much to lose by taking them on, you may decide that it’s just not in your best interests to pursue the matter any further. Part of choosing your battles wisely is knowing your breaking point and how much you are willing to lose or ultimately concede, if you don’t come out on top. Perhaps pursuing the matter is just not worth the time and effort you’ll need to spend on it, and it prevents you from doing something more productive or enjoyable. I have a relative who was recently in this exact situation. Yes, he could have taken a business partner to court, spending quite a lot of money, time, and effort to secure a fairer settlement, but doing so would have prevented him from moving forward with more lucrative and satisfying projects. And in the process, his life would be made more complicated and miserable than the dispute was worth to him. It was better for him to concede the point than to further engage a partner who was revealed to be a very difficult and unreasonable person. Distract The old toddler tactic! Or if you’ve seen the movie “Up,” you’ll know the reference. Redirect the difficult person with a change of conversation, a relevant question that they’ll want to answer, or something more interesting to focus on. It works to keep a small child from danger: distract a curious toddler away from the pot boiling on the stove with a toy or activity, like banging a wooden spoon against different sized plastic bowls. Threaten Once in a while, you may be in a position where you feel at risk. Hopefully, you’re never alone in an unsafe area – there’s safety in numbers, even in this time of proper social distancing. Don’t cower in fear or play the victim, that only signals that to the perpetrator that you are easy prey. If possible, call or signal for help and move to a safer, more populated area as quickly as you can. I’m a small, petite woman who’s been aggressively approached a few times in malls, streets, and even online. Once, I discovered my little girl was being stalked online in a children’s chess competition forum by an aggressive adult man. You can bet that Mama Bear was not afraid to respond with strength: I called the FBI, who succeeded in tracking down the perpetrator. For myself, I’ve turned around to fiercely confront guys, telling them point blank to back down and leave me alone. (Fortunately, always in public places where a loud, forceful tone proved to be effective.) The same applies to online stalkers, plus you have the ability to block and sometimes report them. But use threats judiciously and with common sense; too many aggressors are packing or may have accomplices hidden from view. For instances in more subdued and less dangerous business settings, it may be enough to tell the difficult person that management will be informed of their behavior if it continues or that they will be held accountable for violating company policy (if that applies). I wouldn’t call to their face such an action a threat, but more of a promise or a natural consequence of their actions to restore proper professional behavior. If you’re in management, never threaten an employee, no matter how difficult the person. Follow company guidelines to warn them of their mistakes, perhaps place them on probation, guide them towards proper business etiquette, and clearly explain the consequences if they don’t self-correct within a defined time period. Self Care You are less likely to be drawn into a negative exchange when your physical and emotional defenses are at 100%. Get enough sleep, exercise regularly, eat healthy foods, and drink plenty of water during the day. Most of us are pretty aware that insufficient sleep can leave us cranky, sluggish, and temperamental. But emotional stress builds when we become dehydrated, too, so don’t wait until you’re very thirsty before reaching for that water bottle. Mentally, emotionally, or physically … assaults are best defended against when you’re well protected. Difficult people may not number among our favorite teachers in life, but we CAN mitigate the damage they cause, and thereby improve our own characters in the process. Disclaimer: No dragons were harmed in the process of creating this blog.